They prevent the implantation of a parasite in your girlfriends uterus, control the spread of nasty whore diseases, and help keep banana’s fresh. They sure do come in handy for quite a few things. But for all of the things they come in handy for, a handful of you may be shocked to hear that these wonderfully slimy pieces of latex are NOT vegan. At least the major brands found in chain stores aren’t to my knowledge.
Please explain to me condom companies, why in the hell you find it necessary to sneak an animal derived ingredient into your product?! Casein? REALLY?! Yeah, I’m sure its cheap like most rendered parts of animals is, but what purpose does it serve? Does it make them extra superior in kicking sperm ass? Does it feel nicer on the vaginal walls? Do you do it to make preventing vegan pregnancy a pain in my ass?!
Ya know, what’s worse : using a condom that is infected with a milk product or adding another human being to the population? The lesser of two evils is what it comes down to. Sex is the one thing that should be “pure”. The one thing us vegans do NOT have to worry about being tricked into exploiting animals, or so you would think.
I crave to be the best vegan I can be and to tread as lightly on this beautiful earth as I possibly can. My options are as follows :
1. Use casein-laiden condoms.
2. Order Glyde brand condoms and sustain from boning until then 3. Ditch the condoms and take my chances with pregnancy.
Okay, option 1 is the most realistic. Option two, well, the conversation would go like this:
Gary – “Hey baby, wanna ride my penis?”
Me – “Sorry sir, can’t. The condoms are on back order from Vegan Essentials.”
Gary – “Oh………”
Me – “You can go get a hooker who doesn’t mind casein in the vag?”
Gary – “Okay…..yeah, I’m dumping you.”
Yeah, it wouldn’t be like that. I’m over exaggerating. Option three, while it would be sweet to have a parasite of my own, we just aren’t ready. Either option, I’m fucked. Figuratively.
I just had good sex, goddamn it!!! And now I feel guilty because there was just casein in my vag. I feel dirty now.
Over share done.