*It has taken a lot for me to write this post, so bare with me.*
My name is Megan and I am an obese vegan.
Two words that don’t usually go together. The first word brings to mind a image of a giant blob of a human being, grease dripping from the chin and chowing down on McDonalds for every meal. The second makes associate with grossly thin and sickly looking people who need to be force fed a meat product. Well, I am neither of those ideals.
From a young age, I was skinny and tiny. It wasn’t until puberty hit and I started showing signs of bi-polar and social anxiety disorder. Around age 14, I went on my first anti-depressent and I began to pile on weight. Rather then deal with my problems, I would eat, get stoned, eat some more, and get drunk while eating more. It was a vicious cycle. Not to mention it was around that time that I saw my father regularly. His way of showing love to me was buying me whatever grossly fattening, sugary and salty foods I wanted since at the time, he himself was large and a 2-pack-a-day smoker. He would buy me cigarette’s (at age 15!!) And we would down 20 chicken wings and a pack of smokes in one meal. We were a disgusting pair. Since I was usually in a stoned drunk stupor, I didn’t usually give a shit what went into my body.
Fast forward 8 years.
I was miserable, in a manic stage, dating a guy that had another woman besides myself, drunk, in trouble with the law and suicidal. I was a disgusting mess of a human being and I needed help and guidance fast.
After a two week stint in a psyche center, I was on the road to emotional recovery. Or so I thought.
Mind you at this point, I was still eating my life away. Double quarter pounders with JUST cheese (no veggies. Gross!) and LOTS of cheese. Hell, what did I care?
Then came the life changer that brought everything to my attention.
And as the story goes, two weeks after he died, I was vegan.
With being vegan, I assumed I would drop the weight! At first, I was the typical new vegan. I ate processed meat substitutes, lots of chips and other package shit. I figured I would drop the weight like that. Well, that didn’t happen. My best friend and I did a short stint in Curves, which helped me drop 20 lbs, but I gained it all back and then some.
I finally got a brain and realized I couldn’t eat the processed junk if I wanted to be healthy. It just wasn’t enough to sit there and abstain from meat. I had to help save the animals while saving myself.
I began to actually enjoy cooking, which i give 100 percent of the credit (and eternal gratitude) to my best friend, Alisha. Prior to meeting her and prior to being vegan, I saw cooking as a chore. An annoying chore. She helped me see how fun and amazing it is to make something from scratch and be proud of it.
This led me to start cooking more healthy foods, which again, I thought would be the miracle weight loss I needed.
I was wrong again.
I have always, ALWAYS had a major problem with portion control. If something is just that good, well, I just don’t want to stop eating it!!! That has always been my main problem. Food is my greatest joy in life.
Not to mention, with going vegan I became engrossed in the awesomeness that is vegan baking. As a cake decorator by trade (for a little while anyway) and a lover of all things sweet, I assumed I would be able to eat as much as I wanted without any horrible side effects. Its void of animal products so why the hell not?!?!
That is the way I have been living for the past two years.
Two years of seeing myself in a blind, vegan haze.
It wasn’t until I saw the pictures from Laura’s wedding last week.
I saw them and cried.
Was I really THAT enormous?! What happened?!?! Dear god, look how lumpy I am!!!!
I had never seen myself in that way before. I assumed that since I felt healthy inside (sort of) that I was that way on the outside.
I was sorely mistaken.
I then took to the scale.
I am 5’2″ and I weigh….
Wait for it……
Wait for it……
The number blew me away. Even thinking about it scares me.
I am equivalent of two of any of my friends.
I noticed from that moment on, I began seeing myself in a different light. I am now self conscious. Going from being a person of high self esteem (or so I thought) to a person who doubts and questions the beauty I once saw….well, it has been a major kick in the ass. I’ve begun to wonder if I ever really did have self esteem or if I just was lying to myself.
Its funny how such a number can make you question your whole life.
So here I sit, on my bed in the hotel, right on Virginia Beach. I can see the ocean as clear as day from where I am.
I guess this vacation was what I needed to get me to think clearly and realize what I need to do.
My lifestyle needs yet another major change.
I NEED to take care of myself now, more then just being vegan. I need to be a HEALTHY VEGAN with SELF-CONTROL.