Hello, dear readers!
Wondering where I ran off to?
Thinking perhaps I ran off and joined the circus out of grief for leaving my nanny job? Maybe I dove face first into a rack of ribs? Or maybe, just maybe, I stole the children and ran away to the circus to wallow in a BBQ sauce vat with them, which causing an amber alert that pans multiple states?
Nothing as simple as that, sadly.
While my job has been over for roughly three weeks at this point, life has been anything but relaxing or food-centric.
WARNING : THIS POST WILL HAVE LITTLE DO WITH FOOD AND MORE TO DO WITH LIFE. TURN BACK NOW!!
My last day of work was September 6th.
It was a Friday.
The kids and I spent the day as we usually would, minus a lot of tears on my part. The day before there had been talk on Sophia’s part, of them throwing a party for me. Little did I know, it wasn’t the tea party and pretend cookies I thought.
Bosslady came home, along with Bossman a few minutes later. Knowing I wasn’t done yet, I began to panic. We’re they letting me go early?! ON MY LAST DAY?!?! Panic set it.
Well, moments later, the children came out to the living room and all sat down. Boss lady and boss man joined them and handed me a Star Wars gift bag. Inside was a card, all signed by the kids, a Moes gift card, and various Star Wars toys (mostly Greedo related. They know me well!) Of course, it made me cry. Duh.
The big shocker came when boss lady brought out cupcakes she had picked up from Strong Hearts. I looked at her in disbelief and said “…..Holy shit. You went into the VEGAN cafe?!” She laughed and said yup, and that I should be oh so proud. And of course, I was.
After taking my sweet time eating my cupcake, I knew it was time to go.
Then came the goodbyes.
Let’s just say……it was bad.
Fast forward to me actually getting into my car.
As I’m turning on the car and buckling my seatbelt, everyone comes outside. Another round of hugs and kisses and I force myself to pull out of the driveway.
The most gut wrenching part? Watching Sophia and Spencer chase me down the street.
I waited until I turned the corner and instantly started hyperventilating as tears just poured down my face.
I’ve experienced many losses in my somewhat short lifespan and that by far was the worst. Out of all of the deaths, injuries, illnesses, and distances, the pain I felt in my heart was the deepest. Driving away, I knew things would never be the same. My relationship with those children will never be the same, and my influence on them will slowly dissipate. As much as I try to rationalize it and talk myself out of loving those kids so deeply that I felt like a parent to them, it never worked. I can’t help but wonder if maybe, five years ago on that fateful day I met them, if only I had just separated myself from my job emotionally, if I would have faired better that day. Then again, on that cold January day in 2009 when boss lady came home from the hospital with a tiny little bundle of screaming, shitting joy, I’m sure I would have let me guard down long enough to fall in love.
Thankfully, my mother was waiting for me at Target. She knew this was going to be hard and she was insistent on me spending the night at her place. We planned a fun day out to a museum the following day and it was a good excuse not to be left home alone.
Well, the following day, we set off on our adventure to Corning Museum of Glass. As usual, mom had be drive. Nothing new. Niki sat in the front with me and mom in the back. The drive was a long one, but a beautiful one through the Finger Lakes and right along wine country.
Upon arriving at Corning, I start to pack my purse with essentials and remove the unnecessary added weight that electronics add. Suddenly, I hear my mom yell my name. I jump out of the car and find my mother on the ground. First though? Okay, she fell. Okay, she dislocated her knee (common). Nothing super serious….until the words “I dislocated my hip or broke it. Call 911.”
Uhhhhhh…..excuse me, mother?! You what now?
Thankfully, she is a registered nurse and knew what not to do in such a situation and that was UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU MOVE.
Ambulance comes, Niki and I follow to the hospital, ER visit, X-rays, diagnosis is a broken femur. How do we fix this? Surgery. NOW.
No way could she return to Syracuse (2 hr drive) where she would receive top notch care at one of the four local major hospitals. Oh no, we are stuck in a small town who does even have an Ortho guy, but they have one visit on weekends from Canada.
After a very terrifying night of subpar nurse care (which I reported) and my tough-as-nails mother screaming out in pain frequently (the woman has root canals without pain meds, not to mention the heart attack she sat through and thought nothing of back in 2000), she went into surgery the following day.
A few more days in the hospital, then she was released.
And here we are nearly three weeks later. I haven’t left her side for more then a few hours because honestly, I can’t. I can’t because she needs me to assist in simple things such as bathroom visits, walking the stairs, and making coffee. And while she’s doing way better then most would be in her condition, it’s still a long and grueling process. She gets frustrated because she’s such an independent person that relying on anyone, even her daughter, is embarrassing.
As I told her though, there is nowhere else I would rather be.
So that, my dear readers, is why I have been silent.
Life keeps shitting on me and the people around me.
Nannying, mom getting hurt, I suppose it all happened for a reason, right?
The entire experience of being a nanny to this family has been a crazy one for sure. One thing I walk away with is knowing that as a person, I have grown leaps and bounds. Knowing that I truly am capable of loving a child with my entire being, willing to die for him, and knowing full well I will never let anything hurt him….well, that’s just remarkable. I never in a million years would have thought I was capable of such a thing. And thanks to this experience, I came to realize I no longer want my own children. Why, you ask? Because as Spencer so graciously puts it……
“All children are born with bombs in their heads, and I control them. I will blow up any new kids you take care off.”
Well played, little man.